Life is.

Bitterness and anger,
Have come to dwell where innocence once lay.
I mourn it’s death,
And wish I had held on a little tighter.
But no matter how hard I tried,
I could not hold on,
Too much pain and sorrow saw to that.
And now I lie awake at night,
Wondering how it all went wrong.
Will I ever find my happiness?
Or have my heart’s deepest desires come to pass?
I do not know,
But I do know that I will go on,
And never give up.
I will not let this life defeat me.

Tired.

I have been so tired lately, physically and mentally drained. I am so very sick of all the bullshit I am having to deal with, paticularily from two people who will not be named and are in no way related to each other, needless to say though they have both caused me great stress and I just want them out of my life forever but unfortunetly I can’t seem to be rid of them. One, I’ll never have to see again come late next year and as for the other? I’m not sure.
I just want what I’ve always wanted, peace in my life, whether or not that will ever happen though I am not sure. For now all I can do is pray that these two poisonous people will go away and never come back.

Cyber bullying.

It’s sad but not surprising that bullies are plying their trade on the internet now, attacking people ruthlessly and without remorse.

My little brother has been a victim of this. He is autistic and has been bullied his whole life because of it, recently he made a video on YouTube, trying to defend a friend of his who was being trolled on Deviant Art and because of it, a couple of guys have maliciously attacked him, they have been bullying him, talking down to him and harassing him. This is unacceptable, I hope YouTube will remove their videos and ban them from the site; they deserve no less for picking on someone who is disabled. Of course I would love to do far worse things to them, after all they are harassing my little brother but unfortunately I cannot teach them the abject lesson they so deserve.

It doesn’t seem to be all that easy to contact YouTube about it either, because I am merely his sister and not his mother/legal guardian, I am not allowed to report the harassment which is a stupid policy as far as I’m concerned. My brother doesn’t deserve to be bullied; he’s a good kid and brilliant when it comes to building model ships. And anyone who would attack someone for defending a friend is a pathetic loser and I hope they get what’s coming to them.

The heat

We’re going through a heat wave right now and it is ridiculously hot. It makes me wish I worked in an office with A/C rather than a hot kitchen, but then I wish that regardless.
It’s hard though to function in high heats, hard to think, all you want to do is cool off and when you’re at work, at least in my buisness and a few others it’s hard to do. I feel bad for those who work outside when it’s really hot, they really should get the day off. At least for me working in the kitchen I can get cold water easily but for someone who’s doing roofing or construction or something they only what they have.

Anyway, I know this post is random but I do need to keep in the practice. I’m watching farscape right now on netflix, never really saw it before but I’m liking it so far!

Oh, I’ve also got the first paragraph done of the first rewrite of Oubliette, not much I know but I like it, I just need to make time to work on it, oh and charge my computer as it is about to die… Which is why I’m not, cause I’m afraid of it dying while typing and then losing all the work.
Anyway, I’m off before this dies, ciao!

Write, rewrite and rewrite some more

“In any case, there’s bound to be much crying. But the oubliette alone will let you think while dying.”
~Kurt Vonnegut

Some of you may recall my short story Oubliette. Well I have some news where that is concerned, oubliette is finally getting a rewrite. *gasp!* I know, I know. I wrote the first draft, well finished it 3 years ago and haven’t done anything with it since. Now since I plan on fulling launching my website, not just be a blog anymore I want to put it up, one chapter a week and so it needs a touch up, retooling and fine tuning. My site will be all about words, from my blog to poetry and short stories and whatever else should go up. Hopefully I’ll have the start of it up soon. Wish me luck!

July 12 2011

Sometimes it’s hard to find time just to breathe. When things are happening so fast, one thing after another and none of it good, it’s just hard. You get so tense and stressed and despondent, wondering if things will ever get better and wondering where you went wrong knowing your life isn’t what it should be but it all seems messed up and chaotic.
Needless to say things haven’t been easy for me lately though I can’t go into details about what’s happened because some things involve those I love and shouldn’t be shared without their consent. The rest though, well money is a huge mountain sized stress factor for me, I have too much debt and don’t make near enough, not getting enough hours at work doesn’t help either but it is what it is. I plan on getting a second job come fall, I want to wait till then because I want to try and enjoy what of the summer I can before I start working nonstop. With the second job I should be able to start saving and paying things down at which point I want to sit down with a financial consultant and see what I can do to further make things easier on me and getting things into a more manageable state than they are now. I’m tired of feeling like things are out of control and not having a safety net for when things go wrong. I’m also hoping to move out west next fall and if I have enough saved up take next summer off so I can spend time with my family before I go and just get out and play like I used to before I started working.
I’d also like to get a better paying job and something out of the kitchen. As much as I love to cook I don’t enjoy working in a kitchen anymore, it’s not what I want to do with my life, what I want to do and should be doing is writing. Hopefully I can find either part time studies or a night school and can take either a writing or journalism course so I can better myself. I would like to feel like I’ve accomplished something worthwhile by the time I’m thirty, which means I have a year and a half to go to turn things around for myself. Everything about myself that I don’t like is fixable, I’ve made mistakes and I hope I have learned from them and that I will be able to look back on this even in only a few years and see what I’ve accomplished when I only put myself into something after all, waiting for things to change is like waiting for the snow to fall in the Nevada desert, it’s just not going to happen, you need to do it yourself, chase after your dreams and don’t settle for the life that was created by immaturity.
I’ve started exercising and hopefully by this time next year I will have a body that I am happy with and be healthier and just in better shape, that is one of my goals, and I am working towards getting my career into shape as well to be something that I am happy with though that depends on others taking a chance on me, I can’t give up just because either a few or many decide I’m not what they are looking for, after all if J k Rowling gave up after a few rejections the harry potter series wouldn’t be what it is, wouldn’t have gone past the first book and she would still be struggling but she kept at it and because of that determination has created something I don’t even think she expected. It’s all about persistence and desire, it’s only if you give up that you can’t achieve.

Back soon

I know I haven’t written anything on here in ages (Sorry!) but I will be back soon, hopefully tomorrow if I am not too tired after work.

nanowrimo

Though I am not actually doing nanowrimo this year, I am going to, in the spirit of it finish a short story by the end of this month that I started today. I think it will be good for me and will actually get me to write more and on a story that I really like. So wish me luck because this will be the shortest amount of time that I have written a story to date and that will be a good accomplishment for me.

November 9th 2010

Do you remember back in high school when they asked you where you would be in ten years? Well I can guarantee this is not what I imagined. Not that I am not happy, I just would have thought I would be married by now with little ones running around and a published novelist. Well I have no ring on my finger, kidelts and only unfinished manuscripts which I don’t work on nearly enough. I’m working as a cook and yet don’t even have my chef papers yet which I would have liked to have by now. I have too much debt and nothing really to show for it, all in all I’ve made a mess of my life. Welcome to the human race eh?

But that’s life, we make mistakes and we have to learn from them, least we continue to make more mistakes. My goals though haven’t changed. If you asked me today what I want for myself in ten years, I’d say I’d want to be married with kids and working as a full time novelist/mom. I need to really focus on those goals and to do so I need to get my financial situation under control and in a better place, I need to write more and more dedicatedly and I need to constantly work on my relationship with my boyfriend because if there is one thing I have learned is that relationships take work and communication in order to work. Life isn’t going to hand me my desires on a silver platter, I need to work for them and do my best not to repeat any of my past mistakes.

I need to have more confidence in myself and rather than feel sorry for myself when things don’t go the way I planned or I’m just feeling depressed, I need to do what Richard always said in the sword of truth series, think of the solution, not the problem, after all, you can’t fix a problem if all you can see is the negativity of it rather than how you can make things better. Only I can fix the mistakes I have made and make myself a happier person and I can’t do that by being a self absorbed pessimist, I need to think on what is good in my life, start taking happiness in the little things again, no matter how mundane they might be and just be thankful rather than feeling jealous and envious when someone younger than me has what I want most. If I do all of these things not only will I like myself better as a person but so will the people around me, they’ll be able to see the change in me. It’s time to get back up on the metaphorical horse that I have fallen off of and gotten really hurt by. This is not an age of knights in shining armour coming to rescue you from all your troubles, this is an age where a girl has to rescue herself, be her own knight.

This is completely off topic but really, how hard is it to make a tea? Seriously! Bah, at least I know when I worked in a coffee shop I knew how to get orders right, especially when it is slow, there’s no reason to screw up an order that is given clearly! Sigh. End rant.

Short and tired.

Another short post because I’m very tired and it’s been a long day. I’m still not feeling well and just worked eleven and a half hours with only a five minute break. It’s probably not healthy to do so but that’s life when you are a cook, there just wasn’t time to stop even though I was supposed to work a split shift, ha! Anyway, time for bed for me, I need to get up bright and early to go back to work.
Night!